Settling for what's good enough

I will admit that I have been a "settler" before. I suppose I still am in certain aspects of my life. (Clothing, shoes look old and out of style - hey, eventually they will be back in style!) But I am not talking about the little things. I have settled for the big things. We are talking career and relationships. I am proud to say that I pushed back on this eventually, but it was not a quick process nor was it an easy one. It was one with a lot of tears, worries, almost ulcers and giving myself mono. It took me saying "enough is enough" and taking that leap. Often it took someone in my life pushing me off that cliff so that I could learn how to fly. And I did fly. Eventually.

Take, for instance, my love life. Post-undergraduate life and the breakdown of two very important relationships, I figured why try? Did I really need to be swept off of my feet? Did I need those butterflies or would Mr. Good Enough for Right Now suffice? I came back with a yes on that last question and settled for two relationships in a row with people I really did not love, really was not attracted to and really made absolutely no impact in my life. Looking back now they are both like blips on the radar. They happened. They ended. It sucked, yes, but do I find myself wanting to see how they are doing? No, I really could care less. The scary thing, however, was that at one time I would have stayed with them forever for fear of being alone. I would have said yes to marrying these two individuals, and I probably would have just lived my life going through the motions. Maybe I would come to really love them, but I doubt it. I would have done it because I did not believe I could find or even deserved better.

Can you imagine living your life with someone who does not really make you happy, someone who you look at and think "eh, this is good enough. I'm tired of looking?" At one point in time I was completely okay doing this. That was until I decided enough was enough. I was okay with being on my own until I did find happiness with or without someone, and met T and I realized that true love is finding one's counterpart in the heart of another. I learned what it really means to love someone, and I realized that all of those blips in the radar were just that. None of that mattered in my heart, and no way did I ever look at T and said "this is good enough." I chose not settling. It was so worth it in the end.

I recently did the same with my career.  After I had to walk away from a job that I loved so much due to financial reasons, I found myself thinking that I just needed a job that was a job and nothing else. I explored working outside of the law despite the fact that practicing law is the one thing about which I am passionate. I decided that I wanted a 9 to 5 job that did not involve practicing law, and I found myself saying it did not really matter if the job made me happy. All that mattered was it was a job, and I made money for my family. So I took the first position offered, and that could not have been a bigger mistake. It was miserable. The job was not what I wanted in life, and the person I worked for was simply one of the worst people I have ever met. I hated going to work, but I did it because I thought "hey, I'm not going to be happy doing anything really so just stick with this job and it'll get better." It didn't. Instead I felt trapped, and stuck to a situation that did nothing but bring me down. I settled. More so than I settled in relationships before. It took one last final straw for me to say "Hey, I don't deserve this. I've worked hard for what I have in life. I deserve better." And I walked away. I made the leap of faith I needed to make and took that step into the unknown, and now I have started my own practice and I could not be any happier. Since I took that step in September, I have not felt more at peace than I do now, and I could not feel any more satisfied in my job and in my life. Settling simply was not worth my happiness.

At the age of (almost) 34, I have my whole life ahead of me. Life is too short to just live in an existence that doesn't bring you joy. I know so many people that do just that, and I guess I want to say that I am living proof that it does not work, and there is a way out. You don't have to settle, and you don't have to please anyone but yourself. Most times what is "good enough for now" isn't what you truly deserve in your life. Take that leap of faith. It is so worth it.

Back to life, back to reality

When I was little, I dreaded the inevitable - taking down all of the Christmas decorations. To me it was taking down the magic of Christmas. All of the fun, all of the excitement, of all of the pretty and sparkly things around the house were put away in big brown boxes in our garage for another year. It also, of course, signified the end of Christmas break. Then came that dread of going back to school. I think we all can relate, right?

Now that I am older, it is completely different. We finished the fun task of taking the decorations down and getting back to normal while the little one slept. She was not happy, of course, with the absence of the Christmas tree in the morning, but her father and I could not be more excited that our living room looks normal again.

I love the holidays, and Christmas is and has always been my favorite holiday. It is even more so now that I have a little one in the house. However, the days off from daycare midweek do more than throw them off. Just this week she went to daycare on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday only to have Thursday off for New Years and go back Friday. Family time, which means lots of stimulation and lots of sweets, adds to the mix. My kid thrives on routine. She has since she was a baby. It is time to get back to the norm.

As I type this my child is screaming for Princess Sophia, socks off because she refused to wear them after drawing with markers all over her potty. Someone needs to get back to her routine and go back to school. And something needs to happen with all of these cookies and candies because if I get asked one more time for "just one piece of candy," I might lose it. Let's get back to life, back to reality.

Having fun - it is not just for the kids

Celebrating New Years with a child is definitely different from years' past. Half of the battle is staying awake until midnight. I do have to admit, in the three years since my child has been on this earth, this New Years was the only one where we managed to stay awake to watch the ball drop. That alone was quite the accomplishment for us.

This year we tried something new, an idea that was mostly inspired out of our work with our marriage ministry at church, specifically the retreat called  "have fun in marriage." Fun - yes, we have fun as a family and with our little girl, but having fun as a couple is not always easy. By the time the little one is in bed, we are barely keeping our eyes open long enough to watch TV past 10 p.m. Well, okay, maybe I am talking about me, but still...the days wear you out. It is hard to take a step back sometimes and enjoy each other and just have fun.

So I planned something different. We celebrated 2015 in clear high school style. Well, high school for one of us, that is. We played games, watched a movie, and enjoyed some pizza and some wine coolers. Yes, the girl who loves her dark beer actually consumed wine coolers. It did make me take pause to consider how I could have stomached multiple wine coolers in an evening as the sugar is enough to knock anyone out, but it was all in good fun. I wanted to go all high school and load up on sugar and caffeine, too, but let's be real. We are in our 30's. I am pretty sure that would be a bad idea.

Regardless, the point is we had fun. We had fun as a couple, and we did it in something so simple and so easy but yet so...fun. It did not involve getting a sitter and going out for an expensive dinner, while yes, those dates are fun, too. The thing that made it special to us was that it was time for just the two of us to relax and just be people for once. Not just Mom and Dad or attorney and engineer. No work, no crying kid, just fun and silly fun at that.

I am not one to really do the new year's resolution thing. I do not want to set myself up to fail and see yet another aspiration fall away over too much expectation and pressure. That being said, though, I think having a little more fun is something we can all benefit from. I would not call it a resolution or a goal. It's more of a change of perspective and a reminder to take that step back. Work is not that important and just because we are parents does not mean we lost our identity as a couple in love. So I am promising to myself to make that extra effort to have more fun. Relax and do something that makes me laugh or makes T smile. Because in the end, it is those memories that are the ones that matter.

The Start of Something New

I have been debating about this move for quite some time now, but today, the last day of 2014 - a year that has challenged me, worn me down, made me stronger than I ever knew I could be, made me appreciate my life, my family and those around me more than ever and pushed me to open up to new experiences, both scary and exciting - it just seems appropriate.

I am hoping many of you have come over from my former blog View From Down Here, and I do hope you will stay. Why did I shut down a blog that I had given myself to for well over four years? It was not an easy decision, but it was one that I think was best for both me and my family. You see, my last few posts in my old blog were around the end of September, the time when I took a huge step away from a work situation that was unhealthy for me and doing nothing but bringing me down to a place I did not think was possible. I did something I never thought I had in me and just walked away. And I have not looked back yet, nor will I ever.

Making that first step was scary, yes, and for someone who has to what is going to happen and what to expect next not having a Plan B was terrifying. However, the thing that made me realize that this was the right move and that this was meant to happen was the calm that settled over both me and T. It was going to be alright. I did not know how, but I just felt it in my heart. (Hence the never looking back part).

So that led me to my next step - opening up. Ever since we had our little girl, I was struggling in a very dark place. Postpartum depression is serious, and it does not just go away after a few months post-giving birth. I did what I do best when in that kind of dark place - I pulled away. Isolation. I am so good at it. T was there every step of the way, but he was drowning in that he had to keep all of what we were going through, what I was going through inside. He really did not have anyone else to tell. I am very much a family-oriented girl, and keeping something this big from my family was a big deal. T was the same way. He had no one to really talk to, including me. So after taking that big step into "what do I do from here?" I decided to open up, and I mean really open up. I let both of our parents in on what we were dealing with over the past two years. I was scared to death because I do pride myself on being pretty "with it" or "together." I guess I was good at faking it. Being a litigator can give you that skill. I was petrified of what our parents would say and what they would think of me.

I had nothing to worry about at all. I should have known that, but in my heart I was worried that once I showed everyone my true self, how I really felt....everything...well, I knew I could not take it back. You cannot unhear something once you hear it.

My mom responded with telling me "faith, not fears." Well, she said that after saying how she wished we reached out sooner and how much she loved us. But the faith, not fears part stuck with me. I needed to have faith that things would work out in the end. I needed to have faith that any of those fears from walking away from a stable income, even if it came at a cost, would be lifted. That overwhelming calm I felt after I closed that door and never looked back was for a reason, and I'm discovering that reason every day.

Being strong does not always mean you  have to do it on your own. Being strong does not always mean you have to do what you think everyone else believes is the "right thing" to do. Even those decisions that others would say are reckless can be the right choice for you. I know they were for me.

I close the chapter in my life that was 2014, holding those special memories that were wonderful, full of love and happiness with me and tossing all others behind me. It is time for the start of something new, and I am not looking back.

Faith, not fears, Alaina. We can do this.