I have been debating about this move for quite some time now, but today, the last day of 2014 - a year that has challenged me, worn me down, made me stronger than I ever knew I could be, made me appreciate my life, my family and those around me more than ever and pushed me to open up to new experiences, both scary and exciting - it just seems appropriate.
I am hoping many of you have come over from my former blog View From Down Here, and I do hope you will stay. Why did I shut down a blog that I had given myself to for well over four years? It was not an easy decision, but it was one that I think was best for both me and my family. You see, my last few posts in my old blog were around the end of September, the time when I took a huge step away from a work situation that was unhealthy for me and doing nothing but bringing me down to a place I did not think was possible. I did something I never thought I had in me and just walked away. And I have not looked back yet, nor will I ever.
Making that first step was scary, yes, and for someone who has to what is going to happen and what to expect next not having a Plan B was terrifying. However, the thing that made me realize that this was the right move and that this was meant to happen was the calm that settled over both me and T. It was going to be alright. I did not know how, but I just felt it in my heart. (Hence the never looking back part).
So that led me to my next step - opening up. Ever since we had our little girl, I was struggling in a very dark place. Postpartum depression is serious, and it does not just go away after a few months post-giving birth. I did what I do best when in that kind of dark place - I pulled away. Isolation. I am so good at it. T was there every step of the way, but he was drowning in that he had to keep all of what we were going through, what I was going through inside. He really did not have anyone else to tell. I am very much a family-oriented girl, and keeping something this big from my family was a big deal. T was the same way. He had no one to really talk to, including me. So after taking that big step into "what do I do from here?" I decided to open up, and I mean really open up. I let both of our parents in on what we were dealing with over the past two years. I was scared to death because I do pride myself on being pretty "with it" or "together." I guess I was good at faking it. Being a litigator can give you that skill. I was petrified of what our parents would say and what they would think of me.
I had nothing to worry about at all. I should have known that, but in my heart I was worried that once I showed everyone my true self, how I really felt....everything...well, I knew I could not take it back. You cannot unhear something once you hear it.
My mom responded with telling me "faith, not fears." Well, she said that after saying how she wished we reached out sooner and how much she loved us. But the faith, not fears part stuck with me. I needed to have faith that things would work out in the end. I needed to have faith that any of those fears from walking away from a stable income, even if it came at a cost, would be lifted. That overwhelming calm I felt after I closed that door and never looked back was for a reason, and I'm discovering that reason every day.
Being strong does not always mean you have to do it on your own. Being strong does not always mean you have to do what you think everyone else believes is the "right thing" to do. Even those decisions that others would say are reckless can be the right choice for you. I know they were for me.
I close the chapter in my life that was 2014, holding those special memories that were wonderful, full of love and happiness with me and tossing all others behind me. It is time for the start of something new, and I am not looking back.
Faith, not fears, Alaina. We can do this.
